this has been a very, very difficult month. I know I've been silent, but I just now have to much IRL to contend with.
As you might remember, in the end of August (right before the BFP and the loss of my pregnancy) my wallet was stolen. Well, right now I'm going through the most difficult chapter in this ordeal. I'm a victim of identity theft and there's someone out there with my ID and social security number posing as me and opening accounts left and right. This is extremely draining. I haven't been sleeping well, or eating, for that matter.
I've placed fraud alerts on my number, I've contacted the credit bureaus, the stores and companies where inquiries were made or accounts were opened. It's a nightmare. I feel under attack, and well, I really am.
This is nowhere pregnancy related, but if you can send some positive thoughts for resolution on this matter and for my storm to clear, I would deeply appreciate it.
I also hope that these criminals get caught, of course! And that besides the police, they get karmically well penalized for what they are doing.
In ttc matters, we are going for an FET that will happen soon. Doctor said the m/c was probably genetic and we may have better luck with the other embryos. Our snow babies seem to be even prettier than the early blasts they transferred in the first place, so we have hopes, of course.
Also, I'm being tested for all kinds of genetic and immunity stuff now. We'll see what that reveals if anything.
I'll try to get back on the blogosphere and catch up with you all in the next few days as I slowly get back on my feet.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
the cat on a tree
I'm sorry I've been away since my bad news. Thank you all so much for your support. It does make a huge difference.
I was really devastated last week when I learned that the hCG simply plummeted.
I admit I was more prepared for the cycle to not have worked at all than for fate to wave the possibility of a real baby in front of me, only to take it away.
I was heartbroken and needed some time to grieve this. It was not just on the realm of my personal failures, it did feel a lot like the hands of The Fates working destiny against my precious desire.
A Greek tragedy always shows how us mortals are powerless when facing what the Gods have preordained. In a tragedy, the human is rendered impotent against all the elements opposing him/her in full force. There's a paralysis there. And it's sort of how I felt.
There are still much deeper levels of pain that I cannot fathom; a stillbirth, a miscarriage later in the pregnancy, losing a grown child... But I did feel like a mother for those few happy days. Something changed in me, a possibility was really opened, my body had met another being that had attached there and was beginning to grow.
The loss of it brings me to tears.
I cried rivers, I wailed , I howled to take the pain out of my body, out of me. I decided to live it, hoping that it will then allow me to move on and prepare for a new hopeful attempt.
Yes I have the hopes of our snowbabies. Five of them. Perhaps one of those little guys is healthy, genetically perfect and willing to stay inside me to grow and be born into this world.
I know I did nothing wrong, I won't blame myself, I can't play this game. I rather just seek some form of acceptance. Acceptance that for some reason I had to experience this, acceptance that perhaps this being only needed a mortal body in that early form, and that was it.
I would also like to believe that because finally, after seven years trying I was able to truly conceive, have an embryo implant in my womb, that something is now different. That something may have shifted in my energy, in my body. I want to believe that.
This was an absolutely new thing for me, very real, though short lived. I want to believe that it is still possible, that it's part of my process of getting ready. I have to believe that. Or else I have nothing.
These last few days have also been very busy. Life has not allowed me the quietude, the space for my sadness. The world is demanding of my energy, of my creativity, and I think this is good. It's a way for me to remember myself, remember who I am besides being a woman desiring motherhood.
Another little creature also showed up in our lives. The morning we went for disastrous beta, a kitten was stuck on a neighbor's tree. We saw and heard it when we were leaving for the clinic. We could not reach it or get into the property, but we were trying to help. Later in the day, the neighbor was able to get the kitten down, and the little thing recognized its human helpers. She adopted our building and is living on our back porches now. There are three units feeding and caring for her. DH is now on a mission to find her a loving home. She is the sweetest thing. She's an alley cat, but loves humans and is ready to live among people. She rubs herself against our legs, jumps to our laps, calls us and gives us all so much love.
She has been another of my latest distractions, a very welcome one. A reminder that the world is full of love indeed. And love, no matter what kind, is always healing to the soul.
I was really devastated last week when I learned that the hCG simply plummeted.
I admit I was more prepared for the cycle to not have worked at all than for fate to wave the possibility of a real baby in front of me, only to take it away.
I was heartbroken and needed some time to grieve this. It was not just on the realm of my personal failures, it did feel a lot like the hands of The Fates working destiny against my precious desire.
A Greek tragedy always shows how us mortals are powerless when facing what the Gods have preordained. In a tragedy, the human is rendered impotent against all the elements opposing him/her in full force. There's a paralysis there. And it's sort of how I felt.
There are still much deeper levels of pain that I cannot fathom; a stillbirth, a miscarriage later in the pregnancy, losing a grown child... But I did feel like a mother for those few happy days. Something changed in me, a possibility was really opened, my body had met another being that had attached there and was beginning to grow.
The loss of it brings me to tears.
I cried rivers, I wailed , I howled to take the pain out of my body, out of me. I decided to live it, hoping that it will then allow me to move on and prepare for a new hopeful attempt.
Yes I have the hopes of our snowbabies. Five of them. Perhaps one of those little guys is healthy, genetically perfect and willing to stay inside me to grow and be born into this world.
I know I did nothing wrong, I won't blame myself, I can't play this game. I rather just seek some form of acceptance. Acceptance that for some reason I had to experience this, acceptance that perhaps this being only needed a mortal body in that early form, and that was it.
I would also like to believe that because finally, after seven years trying I was able to truly conceive, have an embryo implant in my womb, that something is now different. That something may have shifted in my energy, in my body. I want to believe that.
This was an absolutely new thing for me, very real, though short lived. I want to believe that it is still possible, that it's part of my process of getting ready. I have to believe that. Or else I have nothing.
These last few days have also been very busy. Life has not allowed me the quietude, the space for my sadness. The world is demanding of my energy, of my creativity, and I think this is good. It's a way for me to remember myself, remember who I am besides being a woman desiring motherhood.
Another little creature also showed up in our lives. The morning we went for disastrous beta, a kitten was stuck on a neighbor's tree. We saw and heard it when we were leaving for the clinic. We could not reach it or get into the property, but we were trying to help. Later in the day, the neighbor was able to get the kitten down, and the little thing recognized its human helpers. She adopted our building and is living on our back porches now. There are three units feeding and caring for her. DH is now on a mission to find her a loving home. She is the sweetest thing. She's an alley cat, but loves humans and is ready to live among people. She rubs herself against our legs, jumps to our laps, calls us and gives us all so much love.
She has been another of my latest distractions, a very welcome one. A reminder that the world is full of love indeed. And love, no matter what kind, is always healing to the soul.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
no go
i just got the number for my second beta, it dropped to 8. eight. e-i-g-h-t.
i started bleeding yesterday, light brown mostly, but more than enough to make me worry that there was something wrong.
this morning, i still had hopes that are now crushed, and i don't know what to feel except for deep sadness
i started bleeding yesterday, light brown mostly, but more than enough to make me worry that there was something wrong.
this morning, i still had hopes that are now crushed, and i don't know what to feel except for deep sadness
Sunday, September 6, 2009
too new
I'm not sure how to feel. As I've mentioned before I'm trying as much as I can to hold on to the positive; the positive result, the positive possibilities ahead of me. But as some of you also said, as IFers, we know too much.
DH and I are excited one moment, and feeling that the whole thing is surreal the next.
It is also strange that we haven't told anybody. It seems that the fact that we are keeping this huge secret makes it less tangible.
I feel pretty normal in fact. Just a little more tired and with a much keener sense of smell.
We stopped by a bookstore today after lunch to take a look at pregnancy books. There weren't many options at all, and some of them make horrible measuring mistakes, like saying that right now the "baby would measure 2 millimeters, which is the size of a grain of sand"!!!! Ha! Please people, if you're publishing a book, at least do your measurement homework!!!
They probably meant something more like "0.2mm", as 2mm are in fact this size: "_", which is of course much larger than a grain of sand. Unless their grain is from very coarse rocky sand! Should we discuss which beach they are getting theirs from? That put me off entirely.
I did like the "What to expect" book a little better, but seriously? Is that the only option? And is that a good one?
In any case, I totally don't feel ready to invest in bringing home a book like that yet. I'm feeling very cautious as I tread this delicate and so new path.
thank you for your well wishes. :)
DH and I are excited one moment, and feeling that the whole thing is surreal the next.
It is also strange that we haven't told anybody. It seems that the fact that we are keeping this huge secret makes it less tangible.
I feel pretty normal in fact. Just a little more tired and with a much keener sense of smell.
We stopped by a bookstore today after lunch to take a look at pregnancy books. There weren't many options at all, and some of them make horrible measuring mistakes, like saying that right now the "baby would measure 2 millimeters, which is the size of a grain of sand"!!!! Ha! Please people, if you're publishing a book, at least do your measurement homework!!!
They probably meant something more like "0.2mm", as 2mm are in fact this size: "_", which is of course much larger than a grain of sand. Unless their grain is from very coarse rocky sand! Should we discuss which beach they are getting theirs from? That put me off entirely.
I did like the "What to expect" book a little better, but seriously? Is that the only option? And is that a good one?
In any case, I totally don't feel ready to invest in bringing home a book like that yet. I'm feeling very cautious as I tread this delicate and so new path.
thank you for your well wishes. :)
Friday, September 4, 2009
it's a yes :)
Today DH and I celebrate our 8th anniversary. :)
Eight years ago, not only we got married, but we moved soon after to the U.S. About one year later we had indications that it would be a good time to start trying for a baby, and so we did.
It took us 84 months, about 2,555 days of this ' trying', to finally, finally cross the first frontier, getting the much desired positive beta.
Never before had I seen a positive pee-stick. And I don't quite know how to celebrate it now that I do.
I don't regret any part of my journey. Yes I could have done assisted treatments sooner, but I am sure that I was not ready to face them before last year. I could have gone to our current clinic in 2008, except they never returned my phone calls at the time, which was very strange. So... I'm not sure if it's destiny, but it does look like everything sort of aligned this time around.
We are very happy. We are doing our best to stay on the positive side of things, to celebrate this as we can, as a huge milestone in our journey and the gift, for the first time, that I have human life developing inside my body.
We want to retain as much as we can the naivete, the wide eyed feel, the joy of knowing it's a positive. We want to try to carry ourselves like the regular fertile folk do, just trusting that it will all unfold perfectly and 9 months from now, we'll have children in our home. Our children. A miracle for sure. A miracle of science and mystery coming together.
For the first time I can experience what it is to be Gaia, the Greek goddess representing planet Earth, birthing all existing life. I'll finally know with all my senses what it is to have a belly full of life, to be Creatress, to be Mother. So mote it be.
Beta today was 110.
Progesterone was 8.09
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
"I see two lines"
There was a ghost vertical line on my "+" sign in an e.p.t. yesterday at 8dp5dt.
This morning, I took a wal.greens first response type and saw clearly a second line there. Still weak, but stronger than yesterday. I am now at 9dp5dt.
This is already a blessing to me, since it is the first time ever in my life that I see that happen. I know all too well what it is to get a completely blank response window staring back at me.
I'll make a confession. The day after taking the ovi.drel shot for trigger, I did POAS. Knowing that my body was carrying the almighty HSG, I wanted to see those lines on a test for the first time, just to have that experience, just for my brain to witness that happening at least once.
And there it was, but also a faint "+" sign on the e.p.t. stick. A little disappointing since I thought the line would come out strong and bright. But, oh well, I knew the hormone should be there, and the test did accuse it.
The line I got today is very much like the weak one I got after the HSG shot, which gives me permission to really hope that this is it. That HSG is now being made in my body for the sole reason that there's life in here.
I'll test tomorrow as well to see if it gets brighter. Beta is on Friday.
I'm crossing everything here. It does look like after over 7 years of trying, I'm finally pregnant.
Goddess, it feels awkward and good just to write that.
This morning, I took a wal.greens first response type and saw clearly a second line there. Still weak, but stronger than yesterday. I am now at 9dp5dt.
This is already a blessing to me, since it is the first time ever in my life that I see that happen. I know all too well what it is to get a completely blank response window staring back at me.
I'll make a confession. The day after taking the ovi.drel shot for trigger, I did POAS. Knowing that my body was carrying the almighty HSG, I wanted to see those lines on a test for the first time, just to have that experience, just for my brain to witness that happening at least once.
And there it was, but also a faint "+" sign on the e.p.t. stick. A little disappointing since I thought the line would come out strong and bright. But, oh well, I knew the hormone should be there, and the test did accuse it.
The line I got today is very much like the weak one I got after the HSG shot, which gives me permission to really hope that this is it. That HSG is now being made in my body for the sole reason that there's life in here.
I'll test tomorrow as well to see if it gets brighter. Beta is on Friday.
I'm crossing everything here. It does look like after over 7 years of trying, I'm finally pregnant.
Goddess, it feels awkward and good just to write that.
Monday, August 31, 2009
7dp5dt
My techniques for distraction have been working rather well. If on Thursday I felt that time was slower than ever, now I'm afraid it's going too fast.
Saturday I spent the entire day at rehearsal and auditions for a fabulous Halloween show that my performance group is creating. And in the evening, right after we ordered food at a pasta place we like to go, I discovered that my wallet was taken from my purse.
The stolen wallet has sure been a phenomenal diversion to the whole wait til beta deal. No kidding. Just the cancelling of all cards, fraud alerts, police reports, setting up credit monitoring, gathering up other documents to replace my driver's license... I spent a lot of energy this weekend grieving this material loss, dealing with the practical needs of the circumstance and setting up otherworldly protection for my name and credit. Phew. I'm tired.
I just joined the statistics of the thousands of people that had that happened. And hopefully it's all circumstantial, in a few months, or even weeks, I'll feel my life is back to normal. But this weekend, as I felt vulnerable and naked without documents and my library card, my pregnancy, or the thought of it took a backseat in my mind and feelings.
I was trying to not feel too bad to not affect the embies who hopefully are holding on strongly in there, growing in my belly like they are supposed to .
DH and I downloaded lullabies to play around the house and watched children's videos on You.Tube to distract ourselves Saturday night. It helped a lot, he helped me feel safer.
Now I'm again listening to the lullabies as I type. They are adorable.
It's now 7dp5dt. Father Time sure is marching on in its inexorable stride. Clock is ticking and Friday, on our anniversary, I'll go in for the test.
I have two sticks at home though. I'm thinking POAS tomorrow. I'm just awfully scared.
I have reasons to believe that this time I'll can get another result though, I'm watching for anything different. On my first IVF and IUI I got sick after the procedures. This time I didn't. I felt a little cramping a few days ago, but now that seems to have diminished. Boobs are sensitive, but could be just the progesterone. I'm weepy... but who isn't during this time?
I've been just so cautious with everything, not to get too hopeful these last few days as I just fear the crash of all my emotions at once.
Today, for the first time in all these days I noticed a tinge of brownish red mixed with the regular endo.metrin discharge. That got me a little excited. That never happened before either, and I remember so many stories of women who got BFPs, spotting around these days.
So here I am. Waiting. Hopeful and scared. Open and vulnerable in body and soul.
Saturday I spent the entire day at rehearsal and auditions for a fabulous Halloween show that my performance group is creating. And in the evening, right after we ordered food at a pasta place we like to go, I discovered that my wallet was taken from my purse.
The stolen wallet has sure been a phenomenal diversion to the whole wait til beta deal. No kidding. Just the cancelling of all cards, fraud alerts, police reports, setting up credit monitoring, gathering up other documents to replace my driver's license... I spent a lot of energy this weekend grieving this material loss, dealing with the practical needs of the circumstance and setting up otherworldly protection for my name and credit. Phew. I'm tired.
I just joined the statistics of the thousands of people that had that happened. And hopefully it's all circumstantial, in a few months, or even weeks, I'll feel my life is back to normal. But this weekend, as I felt vulnerable and naked without documents and my library card, my pregnancy, or the thought of it took a backseat in my mind and feelings.
I was trying to not feel too bad to not affect the embies who hopefully are holding on strongly in there, growing in my belly like they are supposed to .
DH and I downloaded lullabies to play around the house and watched children's videos on You.Tube to distract ourselves Saturday night. It helped a lot, he helped me feel safer.
Now I'm again listening to the lullabies as I type. They are adorable.
It's now 7dp5dt. Father Time sure is marching on in its inexorable stride. Clock is ticking and Friday, on our anniversary, I'll go in for the test.
I have two sticks at home though. I'm thinking POAS tomorrow. I'm just awfully scared.
I have reasons to believe that this time I'll can get another result though, I'm watching for anything different. On my first IVF and IUI I got sick after the procedures. This time I didn't. I felt a little cramping a few days ago, but now that seems to have diminished. Boobs are sensitive, but could be just the progesterone. I'm weepy... but who isn't during this time?
I've been just so cautious with everything, not to get too hopeful these last few days as I just fear the crash of all my emotions at once.
Today, for the first time in all these days I noticed a tinge of brownish red mixed with the regular endo.metrin discharge. That got me a little excited. That never happened before either, and I remember so many stories of women who got BFPs, spotting around these days.
So here I am. Waiting. Hopeful and scared. Open and vulnerable in body and soul.
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